"Vince, do you have any old football gear?"

Find: Video Footage
Circa: 2003
Age: 19 (crossing place apartments, austin, texas)

this was painful.

on some sunny saturday afternoon during our sophomore year, studying seemed silly. seeing as how we had no salary to spend or splurge on spur of the moment shindigs, we settled for stupidity.

watch this.

zazzle.

a few years ago i got drunk and apparently created a few t-shirt designs for sale on the interwebs. i completely forgot about these bad boys until recently. check 'em out.


make custom gifts at Zazzle

kindergarbage.

feeling philanthropic, i went to my parents' house today to bag up a few things to take to the local goodwill. it's cold outside and i hear mossimo shirts make prime kindling material for the down-trodden. as i rummaged through the closet of my youth, looking for flammable conversational t-shirts, i stumbled across this gem.

it's an old notebook (circa 1989-1990) full of garbage drawings and spelling monstrosities. i know what you're saying. "take it easy on yourself. you were only in kindergarten!" while this is true, some of these are just hard to stomach. only after researching (googling) extensively (for 5 minutes), did i come to accept these atrocities as normal childhood behavior. apparently, a large portion of early literacy is dedicated to writing with the elegance and style of a wino. enjoy.

Before anybody starts hurling accusations of concept thievery, I would like to note that this post is, no doubt inspired by this site: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net

"I (no apostrophe) M RIDG ON A DOKE."
Not only is this not a "doke," it's not even a donkey.
It's not even a camel.
A more accurate description of what's going on here would read,
"I'm writhing on top of a brontokidneybillyraycyrasaurus."


"SCIBATMA(M?)T"
I seem to have been conflating a few things here. I drew Batman, but I was apparently stressing out over Science, Bathmats, and formally addressing female authority figures.


"hI!" "MI RBN"
Thankfully I've grown out of typecasting superhero sidekicks as Spanish speaking, toupee wearing dwarfs with hands growing from their crotches.
* Also note that "RBN" thinks about what he's saying with thought bubbles before committing to word balloons.


"MY HAS AS ON FUR(no exclamation mark)"
Luckily our has never caught on fur, as I would have surely perished.
*Please note that I am holding the smug-faced Sun responsible for our tragedy.



"I M L(backards "L")+VG MY IESCYN."
What? Can't a man L_IVG his IESCYN in public?
*The placement of the icecream cone forshadowed a wishful thought that I still have to this day.

Again, before anybody starts hurling accusations of concept thievery, I would like to note that this post is, no doubt inspired by this site: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net

bangers.

this photo (circa 1997), was taken in the courtyard of dan f. long jr. high...
where levels of teenage angst were as high as some of us claimed to have gotten.

we weren't quite hippies because we littered the streets with jolly rancher wrappers.
we weren't quite rappers because 8 mile hadn't come out yet.
we weren't quite punks because some of us bathed.
we weren't quite skaters because most of us "fruit-booted."
we weren't quite goths because hot topic hadn't opened yet.

we did, however...
smoke whatever cigarettes we could get from that kid who stole from his parents.
"gank" yin-yang necklaces and nudy playing cards from spencer gifts.
shop for non-conformist clothing at gadzooks and fast forward.
wear pants so big tha they could have easily been turned into 2 pairs of normal sized pants (or 5 pairs of shorts)... jncos inc. is responsible for the great denim depletion of the '90s.
eat at mall food courts and lament about "preps."
headbang and mosh to the grungy sounds of:
nirvana, green day, nine inch nails (NIbackwardsN, if you will) marilyn manson, foo fighters, bush, silverchair, the flaming lips, the cranberries, the smashing pumpkins, pearl jam, and everything else on 94.5, the edge.

we were bangers.

mistaken identity.

this is an AIM conversation (circa 2004)

i thought i was having a typical conversation with my friend, ashley.

tolentinoed (7:52:12 PM): bring yo ass to dallas this weekend.*

tolentinoed (7:52:18 PM): so we can have sex*
ASHLEY1 (7:53:52 PM): mmmm, okay...
tolentinoed(7:54:07 PM): awesome!!!!
tolentinoed(7:54:15 PM): what are you up to?
ASHLEY1 (7:54:49 PM): I was just sending an email to my daughter......*
ASHLEY1 (7:55:02 PM): should I give her your message?
tolentinoed(7:55:30 PM): jesus christ...well isn't my face red
ASHLEY1 (7:56:19 PM): sorry...you just never know who is on the other end, do ya?
tolentinoed(7:56:31 PM): i guess not.
tolentinoed(7:56:45 PM): well i guess i'll be letting you go
tolentinoed(7:57:04 PM): sorry about the mix up
ASHLEY1 (7:57:11 PM): It's a good thing that I am a nice mom and have a sense of humor....
ASHLEY1 (7:57:17 PM): not a problem
ASHLEY1 (7:57:45 PM): I'll let my "baby girl" know that you were asking about her.....
tolentinoed(7:57:48 PM): yeah...this is kind of awkward...but this is andrew tolentino
tolentinoed(7:57:53 PM): haha
ASHLEY1 (7:58:05 PM): yeah, I know...
tolentinoed(7:58:12 PM): i went to homecoming with your daughter junior year of high school
ASHLEY1 (7:58:27 PM): I know who you are and really it is okay...
tolentinoed(7:58:49 PM): ok...i just didn't want you to think that i was a coward...or an asshole
tolentinoed (7:59:20 PM): and thanks for making this situation more funny than tragic
ASHLEY1 (7:59:43 PM): not at all...I actually get a lot of IM's for her because she leaves her screen up on my comp., but I usually close it....
ASHLEY1 (7:59:57 PM): but not tonight....he he
tolentinoed(8:00:17 PM): haha...well i'll take note of that then
tolentinoed (8:00:21 PM): take care
ASHLEY1 (8:00:26 PM): you too

i was, of course, was wrong.

let's break down a few excerpts...

• tolentinoed (7:52:12 PM): bring yo ass to dallas this weekend.*
  *The Use of "yo": when i'm feeling frisky, i occasionally speak with a blackccent.

• tolentinoed (7:52:18 PM): so we can have sex*
  *Time observation: it only took me 6 seconds to try and optimize an otherwise friendly request.
  
  
• ASHLEY1 (7:54:49 PM): I was just sending an email to my daughter......
  *The Use of Ellipsis: i should have used this as an opportunity to destroy my computer and run away.
  

Dear Ashley's Mom,

thank you for being cool and not hunting me down like a dog.

Dear Ashley,
what's your mom's screen name?

the screen names have been changed to protect privacy,
but the actual content has not been touched.